A Reason to Stay

I thought I wanted to leave. Get out of this town and never look back. Starting over, with a fresh beginning where no one knew my name or story sounded so good. I'm almost ashamed of that now. Because that's the easy way out and I'm not an easy kinda girl. I don't want to start over. I didn't go through 17 years of experiences just to clean my slate and try again. I've completely changed my mind about everything. Perhaps most importantly, I found my reason to stay. It's not a what, more a who. A few who's. And really aren't the who's all that matter? Deciding what Im going to do with my future has been hard, overwhelming and at times completely scary. But then I have those shoulda had a V8 moments, sitting by the pool or passing someone on my run that remind me what life's all about. Logically, leaving little Pocatello Idaho is smart. I've always been a go big or go home person, so the idea of actually staying here sounds crazy coming out of my mouth. But I have always said life is all about relationships, and perhaps this is my big test to see if I will stick to that. In my mind I had it all perfectly figured out, hot husband, 3 cute politely behaved children(2 boys,1 girl), a big house, a fancy car, a backyard full of toys, a couple boats, a beach house, the whole 9 yards. Maybe thats over doing it a little bit, but I strongly believe if I work hard enough at anything I can achieve and obtain it. Maybe not precisely how I imagined, but close. That whole dream and vision went out the window starting the week I was lying in a tent in the middle of nowhere listening to a group of crazy girls doing the fat test. So whats my new dream? A husband, couple of crazy kids, Im not really sure. Since the time I was 6 I had a plan, a well thought out diagram of who and what I wanted to be when I grew up. It's changed a bit over the years, and now that it's time to execute that plan, it doesn't even seem to matter. Maybe this is just my way of trying to justify my new decisions about my life. I don't know if i'm going to college, I don't know where I'll live or when I'll get married. What I do know is I finally have a reason to stay, and they are priceless.

Giving God the Controls

I am a firm believer that God will give us more than we can handle. He pushes us past the point of being able to get through it on our own, so that we learn to reach up to the hand he is extending. Its not just about having faith, its about exercising that faith. I believe a big part of the trials we go through is learning to turn to God. I always had this idea in my head that I can do it. I can get through anything. And honestly I always believed God was there if I found myself wanting his help. Never in a million years did I think I needed it. But I do. And so do you. We all do. I am a very stubborn independent person. So the idea of needing someone, of depending on someone is not something I embrace. Going through the experiences I have I have often found myself angry at God, with this thought in my head, that I'll show him. I blame God for everything. And it took me a long time to figure out, that that's okay. Its ok to be angry at God, but I realize now my bitterness toward him just made everything so much harder. Now, dont get me wrong, that bitterness isn't completely gone. I still have feelings of anger toward God at times. And I still have doubts when it comes to the church. But thats okay too. God isn't there to punish us, he isn't there to hurt us. He doesn't put us through trials crossing his fingers that we turn around and give him praises. God puts us on paths, and through experiences he knows will get us to where we need to go. That isn't always easy to accept, I know that. But I have finally figured out that God cares. He loves us. And that is all we need to know. If we come to understand his love for us, we will come to understand that he will do what is best for us. Just like each and every one of us would do for the people we love the most. He will not leave us, but silently wait, until we choose turn to him. Its not easy, nor will it ever be. Its something that took me a long time to learn, and i'm sure from time to time i will forget. But giving God the controls is the best thing you can do. God will give us more than we can handle. But he will never give us more than we can handle-with him.

Misplaced.

I raked leaves at the cemetery yesterday for a service project. I walked down to my mom and brother's headstones with two of my friends. As we were walking we got to talking about life, well death, and all the questions we'd never be able to answer. It got me thinking, about losing two of the most important people in my life. Then today the young women went and visited someone in our ward who is recovering from breast cancer. She is like my grandma, I love her so much and it has been hard watching her battle cancer. Especially because, after losing my brother and grandpa to it, I dont ever see there being a happy ending when cancer is involved. I know this is different than most my posts, but thats because this one is more me trying to sort out my emotions and thoughts. So. Im 17 years old. I've lost my mom, two of my grandpas, my big brother, my aunt and several friends to death. Unfortunately losing grandparents, aunts and even friends isnt uncommon. I know that. I also know that I have an amazing life, I am very blessed. And I dont ever want anyone to think I think my life is worse than anyone else's. Because it's not. But losing 2 people your so close to, at such a young age, tends to seperate me from most 17 year olds. And thats hard.

What We Could Have Done

The amazing thing about life is that we have the ability to change it with every breath we take. Life is all about the split second decisions we make, and the life altering experiences we have. I know you shouldn't focus on the would have, could have, should haves of life. But I think it's crucial we focus on the cans of life. Every second of every day our decisions affect the next moment we are to live. But they also affect the next minute everyone is going to live. We have the ability to grow in to incredible souls. We have the ability to change someones life, their path and ultimately their end destination. I think too often we think and talk about what we can do to better our lives and the lives of others. We talk about changing the world and making a difference. But far too often, we dont. It's overwhelming to think one person can change the world. But they can. How? By actually acting on those thoughts of change and betterment. God is going to judge us not just on what we did, but also what we could have done. Make sure you live your life in a way, that they are the same thing.

The Miracle of Falling Down

The more ups and downs I go through in life I'm beginning to realize it's not all about getting back up. Throughout my life I have struggled a lot, sometimes for obvious reason and sometimes for reasons I dont even know. During these times of struggles I was always so focused on getting back up I never really stopped to take in the view from the ground. I always thought life was about who was there to pick you up, and how many times you get could back up after falling. I've been struggling lately and it's only now I'm beginning to realize it's not always about getting back up. Sometimes you just need to struggle, to struggle. When your having a hard time, as weird as it seems, that is the perfect moment to stop and look up. See whose there, stop long enough to remember what you've learned all the previous times you've fallen, take time to learn a lesson. The thing about life is that contrary to what people say it's not about learning lessons, it's about applying them. I think too often we go through trials in our life and learn what we need to get through them, but the next time we are faced with a trial we forget to apply what we learned the last time. I am a firm believer we are all stronger than we ever give ourselves credit for. Maybe we just dont realize it or maybe we are scared of how strong we truly are. When we are "on the ground" in the race of life we rely on the people who stop long enough to help us back up. But whats the point of getting back up, when not even one step later we've fallen again. You can't just get back up, you have to learn how to walk again. Each and every time. And yes that sucks, but it's the people who stop in the middle of their race, while they are ahead, to sit down with us, cry with us, and hold our hand as we learn to walk again, that we can truy rely on. It's those little things we learn each time we've fallen down that get us that much farther the next time, and eventually teach us how to run. Everybody has their ups and downs, but it's all about the view from the ground.

Where in the future does the past fit?

Through the trials I've been through I've been told many things. Most I know are just because people don't know what to say. But they are still really hard to hear, even though they are saying it to try to make me feel better. One I get a lot is, "time heals everything." I have to call this out. That is NOT true. Time does not heal everything, what you do in that time does. That statement suggests all you have to do is wait. If only it were that easy. This time of year is really really hard for me. No matter what it is or what were doing all I can think about is the Christmas 4 years ago. When we get a tree, all I can think about is the one we got without my brother because he was getting blood at the hospital. When we open presents all I can think about is the one left, under the tree, never to be opened because it was found too late. As much as you want to remember the good things in the past, the bad things are always more vivid. I know very well you can't just "get over" the past or "move one." You have to learn how to let go of somethings and other things you have to fit in without allowing them to take over. I'm still working on living in today not 4 years ago. For me, right now my biggest hope of that are the new people in my life, the ones I hope to make memories with. But now, even 4 years later I'm still trying to figure out where the past fits.

The question with no answer.

No matter what the trial, the one thing to always linger in your life is why? Why this? Why now? Why me? Why them? I believe one of the hardest things to overcome is that one word. Because it can consume you. If you allow yourself to question why, not only will you not be able to heal, but your not even going to be able to truly start. In my experience there is a period of time, especially after you've lost someone, where everyone around you just kinda carries you through it. And then one day they think your ok and your left to walk through life on your own two feet. You've accepted that they are gone, you've accepted whats happened, but deep down your still wondering why? It's perhaps the hardest part of any trial because no matter how long or how hard you search for an answer, your never going to find one. When you lose someone you dont just have to accept the reality that they are gone, which is hard enough, you have to learn to accept that you dont get an answer. On top of the emotions that come with loss, you experience them all again as you try to find and accept no answer. Loss is what i've experiened most in my life, but i believe this to be true with all trials. I know better than most 17 year olds that you can never "get through" a trial, especially loss. But I do know you can learn to accept the reality that is your life and deal with the loss or trial on a day to day basis in a way that still allows you to be happy, learn, and grow. But you can't do this without accepting you simply dont know why. There is no answer. Because no reason is good enough. The process of accepting there is no answer is when you truly grow. And what will allow you to change the why me, to try me.