Filling the Hole

When you lose someone you love a hole is created so deep inside you the idea of it ever being filled seems so ridiculous eventually you accept it will always be there. The thing is, holes CAN be filled. The mistake I think I always made when it came to trying to heal was I treated the losses I had experienced as though my leg had been cut off and I had to learn to live without it. No one can replace the people you lose, nothing can be what they were to you. But just because you took away dirt to make the hole, doesnt mean you have to fill it back up with that same dirt. I learned how to be happy again, how to make the joys in my life out weigh the constant ache I was feeling. But for so long it was like a bruise, always there, always hurting. I thought I had to just learn how to ignore it, how to deal with the pain and still be happy. How wrong I was. Being truly happy means there is no hurt in the back of your mind, constantly taking away from the everyday joys of your life. Yes, there will always be a scar where the hurt and pain used to be, but you don't have to be bruised forever. Every now and then people, things or events would come along that would slowly fill the hole, inch by inch. But never would it be completely filled, and as those things, or people would pass by the hole seemed to just get deeper and deeper. It made me feel broken, and beaten. Like a broken plate you tried to super glue back together hoping your parents wouldn't notice, I felt as though my entire being had been shattered, and no matter how hard I tried, no matter how many times I pieced myself back together, I was never the same person as I had once been when I had them. I can honestly say now though, the best feeling in the world is feeling whole, complete, and genuinely okay, unbruised, unbroken and forever overflowing with happiness. You see, those holes aren't just filled now, they're completely covered up. With what? Love. Not the sappy, I wanna marry you love. The true, sincere, I would give my life for you love I get and I give from so many amazing people in my life. No one can replace the woman I once called mom, but I dont have to live with that hole there forever. Its just filled with something, someone different.