Filling the Hole

When you lose someone you love a hole is created so deep inside you the idea of it ever being filled seems so ridiculous eventually you accept it will always be there. The thing is, holes CAN be filled. The mistake I think I always made when it came to trying to heal was I treated the losses I had experienced as though my leg had been cut off and I had to learn to live without it. No one can replace the people you lose, nothing can be what they were to you. But just because you took away dirt to make the hole, doesnt mean you have to fill it back up with that same dirt. I learned how to be happy again, how to make the joys in my life out weigh the constant ache I was feeling. But for so long it was like a bruise, always there, always hurting. I thought I had to just learn how to ignore it, how to deal with the pain and still be happy. How wrong I was. Being truly happy means there is no hurt in the back of your mind, constantly taking away from the everyday joys of your life. Yes, there will always be a scar where the hurt and pain used to be, but you don't have to be bruised forever. Every now and then people, things or events would come along that would slowly fill the hole, inch by inch. But never would it be completely filled, and as those things, or people would pass by the hole seemed to just get deeper and deeper. It made me feel broken, and beaten. Like a broken plate you tried to super glue back together hoping your parents wouldn't notice, I felt as though my entire being had been shattered, and no matter how hard I tried, no matter how many times I pieced myself back together, I was never the same person as I had once been when I had them. I can honestly say now though, the best feeling in the world is feeling whole, complete, and genuinely okay, unbruised, unbroken and forever overflowing with happiness. You see, those holes aren't just filled now, they're completely covered up. With what? Love. Not the sappy, I wanna marry you love. The true, sincere, I would give my life for you love I get and I give from so many amazing people in my life. No one can replace the woman I once called mom, but I dont have to live with that hole there forever. Its just filled with something, someone different.

A Reason to Stay

I thought I wanted to leave. Get out of this town and never look back. Starting over, with a fresh beginning where no one knew my name or story sounded so good. I'm almost ashamed of that now. Because that's the easy way out and I'm not an easy kinda girl. I don't want to start over. I didn't go through 17 years of experiences just to clean my slate and try again. I've completely changed my mind about everything. Perhaps most importantly, I found my reason to stay. It's not a what, more a who. A few who's. And really aren't the who's all that matter? Deciding what Im going to do with my future has been hard, overwhelming and at times completely scary. But then I have those shoulda had a V8 moments, sitting by the pool or passing someone on my run that remind me what life's all about. Logically, leaving little Pocatello Idaho is smart. I've always been a go big or go home person, so the idea of actually staying here sounds crazy coming out of my mouth. But I have always said life is all about relationships, and perhaps this is my big test to see if I will stick to that. In my mind I had it all perfectly figured out, hot husband, 3 cute politely behaved children(2 boys,1 girl), a big house, a fancy car, a backyard full of toys, a couple boats, a beach house, the whole 9 yards. Maybe thats over doing it a little bit, but I strongly believe if I work hard enough at anything I can achieve and obtain it. Maybe not precisely how I imagined, but close. That whole dream and vision went out the window starting the week I was lying in a tent in the middle of nowhere listening to a group of crazy girls doing the fat test. So whats my new dream? A husband, couple of crazy kids, Im not really sure. Since the time I was 6 I had a plan, a well thought out diagram of who and what I wanted to be when I grew up. It's changed a bit over the years, and now that it's time to execute that plan, it doesn't even seem to matter. Maybe this is just my way of trying to justify my new decisions about my life. I don't know if i'm going to college, I don't know where I'll live or when I'll get married. What I do know is I finally have a reason to stay, and they are priceless.

Giving God the Controls

I am a firm believer that God will give us more than we can handle. He pushes us past the point of being able to get through it on our own, so that we learn to reach up to the hand he is extending. Its not just about having faith, its about exercising that faith. I believe a big part of the trials we go through is learning to turn to God. I always had this idea in my head that I can do it. I can get through anything. And honestly I always believed God was there if I found myself wanting his help. Never in a million years did I think I needed it. But I do. And so do you. We all do. I am a very stubborn independent person. So the idea of needing someone, of depending on someone is not something I embrace. Going through the experiences I have I have often found myself angry at God, with this thought in my head, that I'll show him. I blame God for everything. And it took me a long time to figure out, that that's okay. Its ok to be angry at God, but I realize now my bitterness toward him just made everything so much harder. Now, dont get me wrong, that bitterness isn't completely gone. I still have feelings of anger toward God at times. And I still have doubts when it comes to the church. But thats okay too. God isn't there to punish us, he isn't there to hurt us. He doesn't put us through trials crossing his fingers that we turn around and give him praises. God puts us on paths, and through experiences he knows will get us to where we need to go. That isn't always easy to accept, I know that. But I have finally figured out that God cares. He loves us. And that is all we need to know. If we come to understand his love for us, we will come to understand that he will do what is best for us. Just like each and every one of us would do for the people we love the most. He will not leave us, but silently wait, until we choose turn to him. Its not easy, nor will it ever be. Its something that took me a long time to learn, and i'm sure from time to time i will forget. But giving God the controls is the best thing you can do. God will give us more than we can handle. But he will never give us more than we can handle-with him.

Misplaced.

I raked leaves at the cemetery yesterday for a service project. I walked down to my mom and brother's headstones with two of my friends. As we were walking we got to talking about life, well death, and all the questions we'd never be able to answer. It got me thinking, about losing two of the most important people in my life. Then today the young women went and visited someone in our ward who is recovering from breast cancer. She is like my grandma, I love her so much and it has been hard watching her battle cancer. Especially because, after losing my brother and grandpa to it, I dont ever see there being a happy ending when cancer is involved. I know this is different than most my posts, but thats because this one is more me trying to sort out my emotions and thoughts. So. Im 17 years old. I've lost my mom, two of my grandpas, my big brother, my aunt and several friends to death. Unfortunately losing grandparents, aunts and even friends isnt uncommon. I know that. I also know that I have an amazing life, I am very blessed. And I dont ever want anyone to think I think my life is worse than anyone else's. Because it's not. But losing 2 people your so close to, at such a young age, tends to seperate me from most 17 year olds. And thats hard.

What We Could Have Done

The amazing thing about life is that we have the ability to change it with every breath we take. Life is all about the split second decisions we make, and the life altering experiences we have. I know you shouldn't focus on the would have, could have, should haves of life. But I think it's crucial we focus on the cans of life. Every second of every day our decisions affect the next moment we are to live. But they also affect the next minute everyone is going to live. We have the ability to grow in to incredible souls. We have the ability to change someones life, their path and ultimately their end destination. I think too often we think and talk about what we can do to better our lives and the lives of others. We talk about changing the world and making a difference. But far too often, we dont. It's overwhelming to think one person can change the world. But they can. How? By actually acting on those thoughts of change and betterment. God is going to judge us not just on what we did, but also what we could have done. Make sure you live your life in a way, that they are the same thing.