The Miracle of Falling Down

The more ups and downs I go through in life I'm beginning to realize it's not all about getting back up. Throughout my life I have struggled a lot, sometimes for obvious reason and sometimes for reasons I dont even know. During these times of struggles I was always so focused on getting back up I never really stopped to take in the view from the ground. I always thought life was about who was there to pick you up, and how many times you get could back up after falling. I've been struggling lately and it's only now I'm beginning to realize it's not always about getting back up. Sometimes you just need to struggle, to struggle. When your having a hard time, as weird as it seems, that is the perfect moment to stop and look up. See whose there, stop long enough to remember what you've learned all the previous times you've fallen, take time to learn a lesson. The thing about life is that contrary to what people say it's not about learning lessons, it's about applying them. I think too often we go through trials in our life and learn what we need to get through them, but the next time we are faced with a trial we forget to apply what we learned the last time. I am a firm believer we are all stronger than we ever give ourselves credit for. Maybe we just dont realize it or maybe we are scared of how strong we truly are. When we are "on the ground" in the race of life we rely on the people who stop long enough to help us back up. But whats the point of getting back up, when not even one step later we've fallen again. You can't just get back up, you have to learn how to walk again. Each and every time. And yes that sucks, but it's the people who stop in the middle of their race, while they are ahead, to sit down with us, cry with us, and hold our hand as we learn to walk again, that we can truy rely on. It's those little things we learn each time we've fallen down that get us that much farther the next time, and eventually teach us how to run. Everybody has their ups and downs, but it's all about the view from the ground.

Where in the future does the past fit?

Through the trials I've been through I've been told many things. Most I know are just because people don't know what to say. But they are still really hard to hear, even though they are saying it to try to make me feel better. One I get a lot is, "time heals everything." I have to call this out. That is NOT true. Time does not heal everything, what you do in that time does. That statement suggests all you have to do is wait. If only it were that easy. This time of year is really really hard for me. No matter what it is or what were doing all I can think about is the Christmas 4 years ago. When we get a tree, all I can think about is the one we got without my brother because he was getting blood at the hospital. When we open presents all I can think about is the one left, under the tree, never to be opened because it was found too late. As much as you want to remember the good things in the past, the bad things are always more vivid. I know very well you can't just "get over" the past or "move one." You have to learn how to let go of somethings and other things you have to fit in without allowing them to take over. I'm still working on living in today not 4 years ago. For me, right now my biggest hope of that are the new people in my life, the ones I hope to make memories with. But now, even 4 years later I'm still trying to figure out where the past fits.

The question with no answer.

No matter what the trial, the one thing to always linger in your life is why? Why this? Why now? Why me? Why them? I believe one of the hardest things to overcome is that one word. Because it can consume you. If you allow yourself to question why, not only will you not be able to heal, but your not even going to be able to truly start. In my experience there is a period of time, especially after you've lost someone, where everyone around you just kinda carries you through it. And then one day they think your ok and your left to walk through life on your own two feet. You've accepted that they are gone, you've accepted whats happened, but deep down your still wondering why? It's perhaps the hardest part of any trial because no matter how long or how hard you search for an answer, your never going to find one. When you lose someone you dont just have to accept the reality that they are gone, which is hard enough, you have to learn to accept that you dont get an answer. On top of the emotions that come with loss, you experience them all again as you try to find and accept no answer. Loss is what i've experiened most in my life, but i believe this to be true with all trials. I know better than most 17 year olds that you can never "get through" a trial, especially loss. But I do know you can learn to accept the reality that is your life and deal with the loss or trial on a day to day basis in a way that still allows you to be happy, learn, and grow. But you can't do this without accepting you simply dont know why. There is no answer. Because no reason is good enough. The process of accepting there is no answer is when you truly grow. And what will allow you to change the why me, to try me.

Lessons Taught In Silence

We recently got new young women leaders. Because of past experiences it was hard accepting the change, letting them in and most of all trusting them. Well, at first. It didn't take long till I found myself just loving them! They are all so positive, and amazing examples to me and most importantly my girls. We have so much fun together and we all lift each other up. It's not a huge secret that I'm not at the most religious part of my life right now. However, the one thing keeping any part of my religious self alive are the girls and leaders. The thing is, yes sundays they teach us lessons out of a book, and do a really good job. But, they teach us even more without actually "teaching" us, if that makes sense. For me they are the people in my life that I can look to as I guess you could say "motherly" figures. The ones I look to for answers and advice. Even when they dont know it. We haven't sat down and had great deep discussions, but the way they act and interact is the best advice I could get. Its their examples and actions that teach far more than their prepared lessons. Watching them with their husbands or children give me a point to shoot for. Because I want that. I want to be the mom who checks out her daughter just to go shopping because I understand those moments are far more important than anything. Or the one who doesn't compromise my values no matter how small a thing it is. I dont think they know it, but they teach us so much when they aren't even saying a word. My point is never underestimate the power of example. Theirs has truly changed me.

Perfectly Imperfect

Life is crazy, stressful, hard, unexpected, under appreciated and absolutely completely beautiful. Sometimes I get caught up in what I think I need or deserve. I find myself disappointed and upset. But then I stop and realize I have everything I need, and more. Life isn't about what you go through. It's about how you come out of it. You are going to fall down, get back up just to fall down again. Sometimes people can pull you right back up, and the ones who love you will. But sometimes its not about who picks you up, sometimes its about who is willing to lay down next to you and just cry. Either way, life is made up of experiences, which are made up of memories, which only mean as much as the person you shared them with. Life is so perfectly imperfect because you can fall down, mess up or succeed your wildest expectations. Whether your failing miserably or on top of the world you have the ability to be happy and enjoy every moment of it. Why? Because whether your on the ground crying or laughing with joy, its about who your with. Life is imperfect. It's the people you share it with that make it perfect.

What Inspires Me.

I am inspired by...

1.Love.
2.People who turn nothing into everything.
3.The stars.
4.Accomplishing something everyone said was impossible.
5.Old people still in love.
6.My Daddy.
7.Seeing someone stand up and finish.
8.Rainbows.
9.Cancer Survivors.
10.The sun rise.
11.Tears.
12.Nature.
13.The Ocean.
14.Little Kids.
15.The words I LOVE YOU.
16.Seeing someone attempt the impossible.
17.My friends and family.
18.Weddings.
19.Moms.
20.Siblings who look out for each other.
21.Friends who become family.
22.Seeing a guy buy flowers.
23.Morgan David Nye.
24.Seeing people come together for a common cause.
25. YOU.

FOREVER.

Forever. Eternally. Without ever ending. Always. In my life I have often heard people say nothing lasts forever. Looking around in the world that makes sense. It's logical to think nothing last forever when you constantly see marriages, relationships and happiness fall apart. Luckily, logic isn't all there is to life. Love, friendship and families are the three things that are for-ever. Forever is an intriguing, curious word. It suggests something doesn't end. Forever is a word full of possibilities. Full of hope and comfort. Its a word that suggests not ALL good things end. And that is why Forever is my favorite word.

Memories.

Me and my friends have this saying, "We aren't buying squirt guns we're buying memories, and you cant put a price tag on memories!" We use it as an excuse to buy just about everything. But truth is you really can't put a price tag on memories. Memories can't be bought, traded, sold or given away. But they can be cherished, shared, remembered and more valuable than any other thing. Our lives are made up of memories, after today is past, it becomes only a memory and without memories life would be nothing, literally. Memories are the most wonderful thing in the world. They are what you look back on for comfort during hard times, what you look to for guidance when making decision, they are who you are, how you lived and what meant the most to you. There's a reason after someone passes people gather to share memories. We are all made up of memories, so every memory is a piece of us. Which is why they are so comforting to hold on to when someone you love has passed. So hold on to the memories you have, cherish them with all your heart, and every minute of every day make a memory worth holding on to.

It only takes a single moment

You know those times when everything is going wrong, but then that one thing goes right that makes it all worth it, thats what I live for.

Everyone has those days when nothing is going right and you just want to sit down and cry. For some people its more than a day, maybe a week, or a month, or an entire lifetime. It seems as though once one thing goes wrong, everything else comes crashing down as well. Nothing is worse than to have your whole world come falling on your head. Which at one point or another happens to everyone. So why in the world do we put our selfs through such hurt and pain, why do we allow ourselfs to have any sort of life to make us miserable? Because, if you are like me, a single look, a simple hug or a stranger saying hi makes it all worth it. It only takes a single moment to make everything alright. And those moments are what you and me live for.

The More Love the More Power

I have often been told the more you love someone the greater power they have to hurt you. I have recently discovered however the more you love someone the more willing you will be to forgive them. A lot has happened in the last few months and a lot of people have been hurt around me. We sat down to talk about it and it was a very confrontational converstation I hope to never have again. However, from this experience I have learned many things. Including why I am so hurt. I hurt because I care. It seems ridiculous that because you love someone you hurt. But isn't that what love and relationships are all about? Willing to hurt in order to love. Sounds crazy huh? As we sat there a lot of things ran through my mind as I looked across the room to see people who just months before were the ones sitting beside me backing me up and comforting me, not across from me calling me out or making me cry. People we dont care about have no ability to hurt us or make us cry, it's the people we love that do that to us. As I walked out, crying someone followed. Someone I used to trust, not to make me cry or let anyone else either. Looking at her and what we have lost made tears swell up in my eyes, and those tears and emotions are what allowed her to comfort me, chase after what we used to have and ultimately get it back. Yes those we love hurt us, they make us cry and often we never want to forgive them. But those same people are the ones who then pull us back together and we come out with an even stronger relationship. Those hurt feelings, tears and angry words are ultimately what builds up a relationship.