The Miracle of Falling Down

The more ups and downs I go through in life I'm beginning to realize it's not all about getting back up. Throughout my life I have struggled a lot, sometimes for obvious reason and sometimes for reasons I dont even know. During these times of struggles I was always so focused on getting back up I never really stopped to take in the view from the ground. I always thought life was about who was there to pick you up, and how many times you get could back up after falling. I've been struggling lately and it's only now I'm beginning to realize it's not always about getting back up. Sometimes you just need to struggle, to struggle. When your having a hard time, as weird as it seems, that is the perfect moment to stop and look up. See whose there, stop long enough to remember what you've learned all the previous times you've fallen, take time to learn a lesson. The thing about life is that contrary to what people say it's not about learning lessons, it's about applying them. I think too often we go through trials in our life and learn what we need to get through them, but the next time we are faced with a trial we forget to apply what we learned the last time. I am a firm believer we are all stronger than we ever give ourselves credit for. Maybe we just dont realize it or maybe we are scared of how strong we truly are. When we are "on the ground" in the race of life we rely on the people who stop long enough to help us back up. But whats the point of getting back up, when not even one step later we've fallen again. You can't just get back up, you have to learn how to walk again. Each and every time. And yes that sucks, but it's the people who stop in the middle of their race, while they are ahead, to sit down with us, cry with us, and hold our hand as we learn to walk again, that we can truy rely on. It's those little things we learn each time we've fallen down that get us that much farther the next time, and eventually teach us how to run. Everybody has their ups and downs, but it's all about the view from the ground.

Where in the future does the past fit?

Through the trials I've been through I've been told many things. Most I know are just because people don't know what to say. But they are still really hard to hear, even though they are saying it to try to make me feel better. One I get a lot is, "time heals everything." I have to call this out. That is NOT true. Time does not heal everything, what you do in that time does. That statement suggests all you have to do is wait. If only it were that easy. This time of year is really really hard for me. No matter what it is or what were doing all I can think about is the Christmas 4 years ago. When we get a tree, all I can think about is the one we got without my brother because he was getting blood at the hospital. When we open presents all I can think about is the one left, under the tree, never to be opened because it was found too late. As much as you want to remember the good things in the past, the bad things are always more vivid. I know very well you can't just "get over" the past or "move one." You have to learn how to let go of somethings and other things you have to fit in without allowing them to take over. I'm still working on living in today not 4 years ago. For me, right now my biggest hope of that are the new people in my life, the ones I hope to make memories with. But now, even 4 years later I'm still trying to figure out where the past fits.

The question with no answer.

No matter what the trial, the one thing to always linger in your life is why? Why this? Why now? Why me? Why them? I believe one of the hardest things to overcome is that one word. Because it can consume you. If you allow yourself to question why, not only will you not be able to heal, but your not even going to be able to truly start. In my experience there is a period of time, especially after you've lost someone, where everyone around you just kinda carries you through it. And then one day they think your ok and your left to walk through life on your own two feet. You've accepted that they are gone, you've accepted whats happened, but deep down your still wondering why? It's perhaps the hardest part of any trial because no matter how long or how hard you search for an answer, your never going to find one. When you lose someone you dont just have to accept the reality that they are gone, which is hard enough, you have to learn to accept that you dont get an answer. On top of the emotions that come with loss, you experience them all again as you try to find and accept no answer. Loss is what i've experiened most in my life, but i believe this to be true with all trials. I know better than most 17 year olds that you can never "get through" a trial, especially loss. But I do know you can learn to accept the reality that is your life and deal with the loss or trial on a day to day basis in a way that still allows you to be happy, learn, and grow. But you can't do this without accepting you simply dont know why. There is no answer. Because no reason is good enough. The process of accepting there is no answer is when you truly grow. And what will allow you to change the why me, to try me.