Hitting Rock Bottom

There's something beautiful about hitting rock bottom. Something amazing about finding that place where you can't go on anymore. There's something incredible about reaching the lowest point of your life. Your will, your passion, your desire to even take one more breathe is exhausted and you crumble. Your entire life falls apart and everything you've ever done, everything you ever were is now just ...pieces scattered on the ground. And in that moment, in that one life altering moment you have a choice. You can give up, allow yourself to be defined by those broken pieces, end it all and remain a constant in that place, never to be moved or changed again. Or in that awful, dreadful, lowly moment you can pick yourself up piece by piece, and mend yourself back together with your own tears. You can create deep within yourself a determination you never knew possible. And all those little pieces of sadness, regret, guilt, pain and suffering can be molded together to create a most beautiful and wonderful zest for life that far outweighs the struggle to get there. In that split second who you are and who you will become breaks through and your soul, vulnerable and pure is shown. And that is a very beautiful thing.

Filling the Hole

When you lose someone you love a hole is created so deep inside you the idea of it ever being filled seems so ridiculous eventually you accept it will always be there. The thing is, holes CAN be filled. The mistake I think I always made when it came to trying to heal was I treated the losses I had experienced as though my leg had been cut off and I had to learn to live without it. No one can replace the people you lose, nothing can be what they were to you. But just because you took away dirt to make the hole, doesnt mean you have to fill it back up with that same dirt. I learned how to be happy again, how to make the joys in my life out weigh the constant ache I was feeling. But for so long it was like a bruise, always there, always hurting. I thought I had to just learn how to ignore it, how to deal with the pain and still be happy. How wrong I was. Being truly happy means there is no hurt in the back of your mind, constantly taking away from the everyday joys of your life. Yes, there will always be a scar where the hurt and pain used to be, but you don't have to be bruised forever. Every now and then people, things or events would come along that would slowly fill the hole, inch by inch. But never would it be completely filled, and as those things, or people would pass by the hole seemed to just get deeper and deeper. It made me feel broken, and beaten. Like a broken plate you tried to super glue back together hoping your parents wouldn't notice, I felt as though my entire being had been shattered, and no matter how hard I tried, no matter how many times I pieced myself back together, I was never the same person as I had once been when I had them. I can honestly say now though, the best feeling in the world is feeling whole, complete, and genuinely okay, unbruised, unbroken and forever overflowing with happiness. You see, those holes aren't just filled now, they're completely covered up. With what? Love. Not the sappy, I wanna marry you love. The true, sincere, I would give my life for you love I get and I give from so many amazing people in my life. No one can replace the woman I once called mom, but I dont have to live with that hole there forever. Its just filled with something, someone different.

A Reason to Stay

I thought I wanted to leave. Get out of this town and never look back. Starting over, with a fresh beginning where no one knew my name or story sounded so good. I'm almost ashamed of that now. Because that's the easy way out and I'm not an easy kinda girl. I don't want to start over. I didn't go through 17 years of experiences just to clean my slate and try again. I've completely changed my mind about everything. Perhaps most importantly, I found my reason to stay. It's not a what, more a who. A few who's. And really aren't the who's all that matter? Deciding what Im going to do with my future has been hard, overwhelming and at times completely scary. But then I have those shoulda had a V8 moments, sitting by the pool or passing someone on my run that remind me what life's all about. Logically, leaving little Pocatello Idaho is smart. I've always been a go big or go home person, so the idea of actually staying here sounds crazy coming out of my mouth. But I have always said life is all about relationships, and perhaps this is my big test to see if I will stick to that. In my mind I had it all perfectly figured out, hot husband, 3 cute politely behaved children(2 boys,1 girl), a big house, a fancy car, a backyard full of toys, a couple boats, a beach house, the whole 9 yards. Maybe thats over doing it a little bit, but I strongly believe if I work hard enough at anything I can achieve and obtain it. Maybe not precisely how I imagined, but close. That whole dream and vision went out the window starting the week I was lying in a tent in the middle of nowhere listening to a group of crazy girls doing the fat test. So whats my new dream? A husband, couple of crazy kids, Im not really sure. Since the time I was 6 I had a plan, a well thought out diagram of who and what I wanted to be when I grew up. It's changed a bit over the years, and now that it's time to execute that plan, it doesn't even seem to matter. Maybe this is just my way of trying to justify my new decisions about my life. I don't know if i'm going to college, I don't know where I'll live or when I'll get married. What I do know is I finally have a reason to stay, and they are priceless.

Giving God the Controls

I am a firm believer that God will give us more than we can handle. He pushes us past the point of being able to get through it on our own, so that we learn to reach up to the hand he is extending. Its not just about having faith, its about exercising that faith. I believe a big part of the trials we go through is learning to turn to God. I always had this idea in my head that I can do it. I can get through anything. And honestly I always believed God was there if I found myself wanting his help. Never in a million years did I think I needed it. But I do. And so do you. We all do. I am a very stubborn independent person. So the idea of needing someone, of depending on someone is not something I embrace. Going through the experiences I have I have often found myself angry at God, with this thought in my head, that I'll show him. I blame God for everything. And it took me a long time to figure out, that that's okay. Its ok to be angry at God, but I realize now my bitterness toward him just made everything so much harder. Now, dont get me wrong, that bitterness isn't completely gone. I still have feelings of anger toward God at times. And I still have doubts when it comes to the church. But thats okay too. God isn't there to punish us, he isn't there to hurt us. He doesn't put us through trials crossing his fingers that we turn around and give him praises. God puts us on paths, and through experiences he knows will get us to where we need to go. That isn't always easy to accept, I know that. But I have finally figured out that God cares. He loves us. And that is all we need to know. If we come to understand his love for us, we will come to understand that he will do what is best for us. Just like each and every one of us would do for the people we love the most. He will not leave us, but silently wait, until we choose turn to him. Its not easy, nor will it ever be. Its something that took me a long time to learn, and i'm sure from time to time i will forget. But giving God the controls is the best thing you can do. God will give us more than we can handle. But he will never give us more than we can handle-with him.

Misplaced.

I raked leaves at the cemetery yesterday for a service project. I walked down to my mom and brother's headstones with two of my friends. As we were walking we got to talking about life, well death, and all the questions we'd never be able to answer. It got me thinking, about losing two of the most important people in my life. Then today the young women went and visited someone in our ward who is recovering from breast cancer. She is like my grandma, I love her so much and it has been hard watching her battle cancer. Especially because, after losing my brother and grandpa to it, I dont ever see there being a happy ending when cancer is involved. I know this is different than most my posts, but thats because this one is more me trying to sort out my emotions and thoughts. So. Im 17 years old. I've lost my mom, two of my grandpas, my big brother, my aunt and several friends to death. Unfortunately losing grandparents, aunts and even friends isnt uncommon. I know that. I also know that I have an amazing life, I am very blessed. And I dont ever want anyone to think I think my life is worse than anyone else's. Because it's not. But losing 2 people your so close to, at such a young age, tends to seperate me from most 17 year olds. And thats hard.

What We Could Have Done

The amazing thing about life is that we have the ability to change it with every breath we take. Life is all about the split second decisions we make, and the life altering experiences we have. I know you shouldn't focus on the would have, could have, should haves of life. But I think it's crucial we focus on the cans of life. Every second of every day our decisions affect the next moment we are to live. But they also affect the next minute everyone is going to live. We have the ability to grow in to incredible souls. We have the ability to change someones life, their path and ultimately their end destination. I think too often we think and talk about what we can do to better our lives and the lives of others. We talk about changing the world and making a difference. But far too often, we dont. It's overwhelming to think one person can change the world. But they can. How? By actually acting on those thoughts of change and betterment. God is going to judge us not just on what we did, but also what we could have done. Make sure you live your life in a way, that they are the same thing.

The Miracle of Falling Down

The more ups and downs I go through in life I'm beginning to realize it's not all about getting back up. Throughout my life I have struggled a lot, sometimes for obvious reason and sometimes for reasons I dont even know. During these times of struggles I was always so focused on getting back up I never really stopped to take in the view from the ground. I always thought life was about who was there to pick you up, and how many times you get could back up after falling. I've been struggling lately and it's only now I'm beginning to realize it's not always about getting back up. Sometimes you just need to struggle, to struggle. When your having a hard time, as weird as it seems, that is the perfect moment to stop and look up. See whose there, stop long enough to remember what you've learned all the previous times you've fallen, take time to learn a lesson. The thing about life is that contrary to what people say it's not about learning lessons, it's about applying them. I think too often we go through trials in our life and learn what we need to get through them, but the next time we are faced with a trial we forget to apply what we learned the last time. I am a firm believer we are all stronger than we ever give ourselves credit for. Maybe we just dont realize it or maybe we are scared of how strong we truly are. When we are "on the ground" in the race of life we rely on the people who stop long enough to help us back up. But whats the point of getting back up, when not even one step later we've fallen again. You can't just get back up, you have to learn how to walk again. Each and every time. And yes that sucks, but it's the people who stop in the middle of their race, while they are ahead, to sit down with us, cry with us, and hold our hand as we learn to walk again, that we can truy rely on. It's those little things we learn each time we've fallen down that get us that much farther the next time, and eventually teach us how to run. Everybody has their ups and downs, but it's all about the view from the ground.

Where in the future does the past fit?

Through the trials I've been through I've been told many things. Most I know are just because people don't know what to say. But they are still really hard to hear, even though they are saying it to try to make me feel better. One I get a lot is, "time heals everything." I have to call this out. That is NOT true. Time does not heal everything, what you do in that time does. That statement suggests all you have to do is wait. If only it were that easy. This time of year is really really hard for me. No matter what it is or what were doing all I can think about is the Christmas 4 years ago. When we get a tree, all I can think about is the one we got without my brother because he was getting blood at the hospital. When we open presents all I can think about is the one left, under the tree, never to be opened because it was found too late. As much as you want to remember the good things in the past, the bad things are always more vivid. I know very well you can't just "get over" the past or "move one." You have to learn how to let go of somethings and other things you have to fit in without allowing them to take over. I'm still working on living in today not 4 years ago. For me, right now my biggest hope of that are the new people in my life, the ones I hope to make memories with. But now, even 4 years later I'm still trying to figure out where the past fits.

The question with no answer.

No matter what the trial, the one thing to always linger in your life is why? Why this? Why now? Why me? Why them? I believe one of the hardest things to overcome is that one word. Because it can consume you. If you allow yourself to question why, not only will you not be able to heal, but your not even going to be able to truly start. In my experience there is a period of time, especially after you've lost someone, where everyone around you just kinda carries you through it. And then one day they think your ok and your left to walk through life on your own two feet. You've accepted that they are gone, you've accepted whats happened, but deep down your still wondering why? It's perhaps the hardest part of any trial because no matter how long or how hard you search for an answer, your never going to find one. When you lose someone you dont just have to accept the reality that they are gone, which is hard enough, you have to learn to accept that you dont get an answer. On top of the emotions that come with loss, you experience them all again as you try to find and accept no answer. Loss is what i've experiened most in my life, but i believe this to be true with all trials. I know better than most 17 year olds that you can never "get through" a trial, especially loss. But I do know you can learn to accept the reality that is your life and deal with the loss or trial on a day to day basis in a way that still allows you to be happy, learn, and grow. But you can't do this without accepting you simply dont know why. There is no answer. Because no reason is good enough. The process of accepting there is no answer is when you truly grow. And what will allow you to change the why me, to try me.

Lessons Taught In Silence

We recently got new young women leaders. Because of past experiences it was hard accepting the change, letting them in and most of all trusting them. Well, at first. It didn't take long till I found myself just loving them! They are all so positive, and amazing examples to me and most importantly my girls. We have so much fun together and we all lift each other up. It's not a huge secret that I'm not at the most religious part of my life right now. However, the one thing keeping any part of my religious self alive are the girls and leaders. The thing is, yes sundays they teach us lessons out of a book, and do a really good job. But, they teach us even more without actually "teaching" us, if that makes sense. For me they are the people in my life that I can look to as I guess you could say "motherly" figures. The ones I look to for answers and advice. Even when they dont know it. We haven't sat down and had great deep discussions, but the way they act and interact is the best advice I could get. Its their examples and actions that teach far more than their prepared lessons. Watching them with their husbands or children give me a point to shoot for. Because I want that. I want to be the mom who checks out her daughter just to go shopping because I understand those moments are far more important than anything. Or the one who doesn't compromise my values no matter how small a thing it is. I dont think they know it, but they teach us so much when they aren't even saying a word. My point is never underestimate the power of example. Theirs has truly changed me.

Perfectly Imperfect

Life is crazy, stressful, hard, unexpected, under appreciated and absolutely completely beautiful. Sometimes I get caught up in what I think I need or deserve. I find myself disappointed and upset. But then I stop and realize I have everything I need, and more. Life isn't about what you go through. It's about how you come out of it. You are going to fall down, get back up just to fall down again. Sometimes people can pull you right back up, and the ones who love you will. But sometimes its not about who picks you up, sometimes its about who is willing to lay down next to you and just cry. Either way, life is made up of experiences, which are made up of memories, which only mean as much as the person you shared them with. Life is so perfectly imperfect because you can fall down, mess up or succeed your wildest expectations. Whether your failing miserably or on top of the world you have the ability to be happy and enjoy every moment of it. Why? Because whether your on the ground crying or laughing with joy, its about who your with. Life is imperfect. It's the people you share it with that make it perfect.

What Inspires Me.

I am inspired by...

1.Love.
2.People who turn nothing into everything.
3.The stars.
4.Accomplishing something everyone said was impossible.
5.Old people still in love.
6.My Daddy.
7.Seeing someone stand up and finish.
8.Rainbows.
9.Cancer Survivors.
10.The sun rise.
11.Tears.
12.Nature.
13.The Ocean.
14.Little Kids.
15.The words I LOVE YOU.
16.Seeing someone attempt the impossible.
17.My friends and family.
18.Weddings.
19.Moms.
20.Siblings who look out for each other.
21.Friends who become family.
22.Seeing a guy buy flowers.
23.Morgan David Nye.
24.Seeing people come together for a common cause.
25. YOU.

FOREVER.

Forever. Eternally. Without ever ending. Always. In my life I have often heard people say nothing lasts forever. Looking around in the world that makes sense. It's logical to think nothing last forever when you constantly see marriages, relationships and happiness fall apart. Luckily, logic isn't all there is to life. Love, friendship and families are the three things that are for-ever. Forever is an intriguing, curious word. It suggests something doesn't end. Forever is a word full of possibilities. Full of hope and comfort. Its a word that suggests not ALL good things end. And that is why Forever is my favorite word.

Memories.

Me and my friends have this saying, "We aren't buying squirt guns we're buying memories, and you cant put a price tag on memories!" We use it as an excuse to buy just about everything. But truth is you really can't put a price tag on memories. Memories can't be bought, traded, sold or given away. But they can be cherished, shared, remembered and more valuable than any other thing. Our lives are made up of memories, after today is past, it becomes only a memory and without memories life would be nothing, literally. Memories are the most wonderful thing in the world. They are what you look back on for comfort during hard times, what you look to for guidance when making decision, they are who you are, how you lived and what meant the most to you. There's a reason after someone passes people gather to share memories. We are all made up of memories, so every memory is a piece of us. Which is why they are so comforting to hold on to when someone you love has passed. So hold on to the memories you have, cherish them with all your heart, and every minute of every day make a memory worth holding on to.

It only takes a single moment

You know those times when everything is going wrong, but then that one thing goes right that makes it all worth it, thats what I live for.

Everyone has those days when nothing is going right and you just want to sit down and cry. For some people its more than a day, maybe a week, or a month, or an entire lifetime. It seems as though once one thing goes wrong, everything else comes crashing down as well. Nothing is worse than to have your whole world come falling on your head. Which at one point or another happens to everyone. So why in the world do we put our selfs through such hurt and pain, why do we allow ourselfs to have any sort of life to make us miserable? Because, if you are like me, a single look, a simple hug or a stranger saying hi makes it all worth it. It only takes a single moment to make everything alright. And those moments are what you and me live for.

The More Love the More Power

I have often been told the more you love someone the greater power they have to hurt you. I have recently discovered however the more you love someone the more willing you will be to forgive them. A lot has happened in the last few months and a lot of people have been hurt around me. We sat down to talk about it and it was a very confrontational converstation I hope to never have again. However, from this experience I have learned many things. Including why I am so hurt. I hurt because I care. It seems ridiculous that because you love someone you hurt. But isn't that what love and relationships are all about? Willing to hurt in order to love. Sounds crazy huh? As we sat there a lot of things ran through my mind as I looked across the room to see people who just months before were the ones sitting beside me backing me up and comforting me, not across from me calling me out or making me cry. People we dont care about have no ability to hurt us or make us cry, it's the people we love that do that to us. As I walked out, crying someone followed. Someone I used to trust, not to make me cry or let anyone else either. Looking at her and what we have lost made tears swell up in my eyes, and those tears and emotions are what allowed her to comfort me, chase after what we used to have and ultimately get it back. Yes those we love hurt us, they make us cry and often we never want to forgive them. But those same people are the ones who then pull us back together and we come out with an even stronger relationship. Those hurt feelings, tears and angry words are ultimately what builds up a relationship.

Love

Being in love is hard, because you risk being in pain when you fall out of love, loving is even harder, because you risk loosing who you love, but being loved is the hardest, because you risk being the pain someday, someone will feel when they lose you. After losing so many people I've loved, one thought that keeps coming back is will someone feel as horrible as I do when they lose me? Loss is the worst feeling, emotion that exists, and i never want the people I love to have to feel it because they loved me back. But, do you risk putting people you care so deeply about, through such horrible pain and let them love you back, or do you block them out, and not ever be loved again?

The unexpected friend

Why is it who I always expected to be there left, who I never expected to come stayed, and why it's you thats always there for me. There are people in my life I always expected to be right by my side, and yet when i turn around they are long gone. There are people, who i looked at and shook my head because i knew without a doubt they would never stop long enough to see me, and yet they are the ones who have not once left. And there are people who not only do i see them by my side but i feel their arms around me. I am talking about people in general. But also, the few, unexpected ones who i am honored to call friends. I have no direct relationship with them, haven't known 'em my whole life, but where in the world i would be without them i have no idea. So i will devote my life saying thank you to these few, amazing people. And perhaps, i too can be your unexpected friend.

What is a true friend?

In the social aspect of the world there are two sides, love and hate. You love someone or you hate someone. They are your friend or your enemy. So how do you determine if someone is your true friend? If you can truly trust and confide in them? Is friendship really two sided? So just because your their friend but they aren't yours are you enemies? True friendship is knowing you could lose someone but your love far outweighs your fear. You know you have a true friend when they aren't just there when tragedy strikes, but every "normal" day of your life they are by your side. A true friend doesn't show up when something horrible happens. They are already there.

Heaven...

What is heaven? Is it having everything you want? Is it perfect weather on a perfect day? Is it a bite into creamy milk chocolate? Or is it simply being happy? Whether you are referring to the candy bar you are eating or place you can only pray to end up what is your heaven? When you close your eyes and see the picture perfect place what is it? Who’s there? And is that really where you could spend eternity? In some faiths they believe if you follow certain rules or abide by laws, living a perfect life you will end up in heaven. So I purpose the question, “where is heaven?” someone once told me that heaven surrounds us. I often hear it is above us, above the clouds, above the blue sky. If this is the case I purpose the question, “what is heaven?” According to these answers it is a place. But when I think about heaven it is not so much a place as a state of mind. In fact it is not a place at all rather where our heart is.